Monday, June 20, 2016

Thank you

Of course my Spotify Discover playlist today is full of songs which remind me of him. Of course it is because he was the single largest influence on my musical tastes, after my Dad.

I was just a 21 year old kid when I met him. So young, so still unsure of who I was and what I could be.

Despite being 6 years older than me he always treated me with respect, like an equal. He asked my opinions and valued them. He always gave me copies of his music and would sit and ask me to tell him what I thought of every song. I think it was only in his music he could ever be himself.

He cared too much about people's opinions. He wanted to be what people wanted him to be. He tried so hard to be what other people wanted that he got lost.

We all have a part of ourselves, a little box, which carries the words of support and love from our friends and family. We can open it up when times are bad and remember that we are loved. But he didn't have a box, he couldn't carry the love people gave him, so he needed it all the time and broke himself trying to get it.

Eventually I also wanted him to be something he could not be, and I saw him hurting himself trying to be that. I didn't want to be, but I was hurting him. I could not be one of the many reasons he had to hurt himself. So I left.

Don't get me wrong, he was also hurting me, and he was hurting a lot of other people he cared about then. It was not a good time, and I didn't get the best version of him. But he helped me find the best version of myself.

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